Okay. Avengers was kind of fun, right? Every superhero served a believable purpose working with each other, especially given that the climactic battle was against an endless storming down of moronic intergalactic warriors from some deep space wormhole.
Let's take a closer look at moronic. Those bad guys are so idiotically moronic in Avengers that my newborn would do a better job of storming in from a wormhole. (which is pretty much what he did in any case, but that's another story altogether). Why are they moronic? Why do the Avengers have Thor, Iron Man, the black widiow, Hulk, the arrow guy, and Captain America while the intergalactic invaders have mulch for brains? How exciting is that?
Here's the brainstorming session in that Hollywood studio--"Hey, Let's have five superheroes armed with bazookas and M16s and what not take on a intergalactic stampede of cows.
I'm exaggerating the stupidity, you say. Okay. I amend my statement: Let's have five guys armed with bazookas and M16s and what not take on a stampede of REALLY PISSED OFF intergalactic cows. YES! Really pissed of cows--wait a minute!-- make them rain down in one spot from a hole in the sky!
Ooohh, money well spent watching that flick!
But the problem begins earlier, with whoever commissioned the script for Thor.
Scene: in Ass-Guard (what's with the homophobia?) the king takes his blond son and his non-blond kid (aka brunet) to see the spoils of victory and challenge both with becoming the next king.
POLL: will the blond kid or the brunet kid become king? (if you said the brunet kid, you're pretty much at the IQ level of one of those stampeding REALLY PISSED OFF intergalactic cows raining from the skies.)
Next scene, Thor is carrying the hammer, pledges allegiance as the next king, and then turns out to be LOWER, yes, lower than the stampeding cows in matters relating to IQ. Loki owns him. Loki manipulates him. Loki's got his number, his digits. Makes you wonder, what's Odin been smoking all along to see Thor as a worthy successor? Oh, wait, Thor is blond. Loki isn't. Loki's brunet, even though he has genetic lineage from some sort of ICE monsters. I guess his sister must be a brunette ice maiden or something).
The next moronic scene is when they ride across that bridge during the Ass-Guard sunset to meet the blind looking BLACK DUDE who's guarding whatever he FAILED to guard already. The Brunet Loki starts talking to him, but he's told to STFU.
The Blond Thor mumbles something. They all pass by the Black Guard. Loki is speechless. What's Thor got that I don't? Hmm....
But coming back to a moment before they event get to the museum in Ass-guard, they cross a super long Ass Guard bridge. Are there no security cams in Ass-Guard? Which leads us to the following tongue twister: What Ass is Ass-Guard guarding if it's not guarding it's own ass? How do the two Princes of Ass-Guard get across the bridge wiithout anyone knowing, least of all the King?
How about that earlier scene when Thor challenges the Icey dude king with red eyes and deep bass voice (is that great characterization of a villain or what? total money's worth, original concept), Loki says something about caution. The Blond Thor replies, "know your place!" to Loki. "You ain't blond, LOW KEY! I may have the IQ of a pea, but I'm blond and I got the hammer!"
But the good news is that a truce is brokered, Loki agrees to it. But then the red eyed villain says to Thor,
"Go back home, Princess."
All hell breaks loose. Thor being called a princess? As in gay and not a he man warrior armed with an all powerful hammer? That's a sure fight in my Ass-guard neighborhood! So Thor goes berserk.
Great future king they have in Ass Guard, one who loses all sense of restraint and judgment when he is called a princess out of pure provocation as the audience can clearly see.
And I care about Thor enough to watch the rest of the movie because?
Let's take a closer look at moronic. Those bad guys are so idiotically moronic in Avengers that my newborn would do a better job of storming in from a wormhole. (which is pretty much what he did in any case, but that's another story altogether). Why are they moronic? Why do the Avengers have Thor, Iron Man, the black widiow, Hulk, the arrow guy, and Captain America while the intergalactic invaders have mulch for brains? How exciting is that?
Here's the brainstorming session in that Hollywood studio--"Hey, Let's have five superheroes armed with bazookas and M16s and what not take on a intergalactic stampede of cows.
I'm exaggerating the stupidity, you say. Okay. I amend my statement: Let's have five guys armed with bazookas and M16s and what not take on a stampede of REALLY PISSED OFF intergalactic cows. YES! Really pissed of cows--wait a minute!-- make them rain down in one spot from a hole in the sky!
Ooohh, money well spent watching that flick!
But the problem begins earlier, with whoever commissioned the script for Thor.
Scene: in Ass-Guard (what's with the homophobia?) the king takes his blond son and his non-blond kid (aka brunet) to see the spoils of victory and challenge both with becoming the next king.
POLL: will the blond kid or the brunet kid become king? (if you said the brunet kid, you're pretty much at the IQ level of one of those stampeding REALLY PISSED OFF intergalactic cows raining from the skies.)
Next scene, Thor is carrying the hammer, pledges allegiance as the next king, and then turns out to be LOWER, yes, lower than the stampeding cows in matters relating to IQ. Loki owns him. Loki manipulates him. Loki's got his number, his digits. Makes you wonder, what's Odin been smoking all along to see Thor as a worthy successor? Oh, wait, Thor is blond. Loki isn't. Loki's brunet, even though he has genetic lineage from some sort of ICE monsters. I guess his sister must be a brunette ice maiden or something).
The next moronic scene is when they ride across that bridge during the Ass-Guard sunset to meet the blind looking BLACK DUDE who's guarding whatever he FAILED to guard already. The Brunet Loki starts talking to him, but he's told to STFU.
The Blond Thor mumbles something. They all pass by the Black Guard. Loki is speechless. What's Thor got that I don't? Hmm....
But coming back to a moment before they event get to the museum in Ass-guard, they cross a super long Ass Guard bridge. Are there no security cams in Ass-Guard? Which leads us to the following tongue twister: What Ass is Ass-Guard guarding if it's not guarding it's own ass? How do the two Princes of Ass-Guard get across the bridge wiithout anyone knowing, least of all the King?
How about that earlier scene when Thor challenges the Icey dude king with red eyes and deep bass voice (is that great characterization of a villain or what? total money's worth, original concept), Loki says something about caution. The Blond Thor replies, "know your place!" to Loki. "You ain't blond, LOW KEY! I may have the IQ of a pea, but I'm blond and I got the hammer!"
But the good news is that a truce is brokered, Loki agrees to it. But then the red eyed villain says to Thor,
"Go back home, Princess."
All hell breaks loose. Thor being called a princess? As in gay and not a he man warrior armed with an all powerful hammer? That's a sure fight in my Ass-guard neighborhood! So Thor goes berserk.
Great future king they have in Ass Guard, one who loses all sense of restraint and judgment when he is called a princess out of pure provocation as the audience can clearly see.
And I care about Thor enough to watch the rest of the movie because?
RSS Feed
